12 Tools for Managing a Selfish Leader: Unlocking Authenticity for Resilience
Josefine Campbell (2024)
The book follows the story of Marie as she navigates life under a selfish leader, Martin. His behaviour leads to a serious incident, requiring the support of an executive coach, Caroline (presumably the author). The book then charts Marie’s journey with Caroline, applying 12 tools (though I counted 11) at various stages to support her successful management of Martin over the final 18 months of her tenure.
The recurring themes in Caroline’s interventions include: managing energy levels, identifying personal values, and drawing links between past and present triggers. Like all great coaches, Caroline helps Marie rise above the situation by taking a long-term view.
Selfish Leaders Drain Energy
It quickly becomes clear that Martin is an unpleasant and draining leader. His treatment of Marie—and her predecessor—is poor. He’s unable to engage with Marie as his direct report, resorting to pedantry and micromanagement to assert his authority. His own manager, Alfred, while superficially pleasant, is complicit by tolerating Martin’s behaviour.
A critical meeting between Marie, Martin, and Alfred serves as a breaking point for Marie. Her energy is fully depleted. Caroline expertly guides her through this energy crisis, helping her identify stress signals and acknowledge her fragile mental state.
At this early stage, Caroline takes great care not to overload or overstimulate. Identification and recovery are the priorities. One of the most telling tools here is the “stress timeline,” used to chart how Marie has been coping throughout her time at the company.
When I reflected on my own timeline—during a period I worked under selfish leaders—I was struck by how long I endured heightened stress and anxiety. It felt like a slow march toward chronic illness or burnout.
Values: Selfish Leaders Know Where to Hit
Marie comes to see that she assumes too much responsibility—something rooted in her childhood, where she cared for her siblings in the emotional absence of her mother. Martin targets this sense of responsibility by constantly criticising detail. He knows it will hurt. His attacks not only confuse and distress her, but also clash with her core values, draining her energy further.
I recognised myself in this. I’m someone who values integrity, sensitivity to others, and a love of learning. I’ve had managers (both men and women) diminish these traits—questioning the importance of people skills or placing me in high-risk situations with colleagues. I’ve lost energy working under leaders who don’t value integrity or who block growth and learning.
Caroline’s approach is smart. She works with Marie to develop boundaries around these traits—especially the need to take responsibility for everything, including her team. Practically, this meant deflecting Martin’s pointed criticism and stepping back from overprotecting her direct reports.
We All Need Boundaries
Caroline uses a model of three circles to show the types of boundaries needed to manage the relationship with Martin. The third-circle arrangement—where the circles just touch—symbolises professional distance and independence. Dialogue still occurs, but it’s limited to what’s necessary to get work done.
Caroline discusses this concept in a joint session with both Martin and Marie, gaining agreement on how the circles should function. This scene, along with an earlier one, gives insight into the organisation’s processes. Caroline was brought in by People and Culture to solve a problem, and Martin was involved at key points. He was asked—twice—to respect Marie’s boundaries. And it appeared binding.
What struck me was the way the process was respected—as something legitimate and necessary for restoring Marie’s wellbeing, without attacking Martin directly.
Marie Steps Into Herself
Marie emerges from her coaching experience as a much more authentic leader. She understands her values, her vulnerabilities, and maintains clearer boundaries with Martin. These changes give her the strength to continue in the role a while longer—a sign of real growth.
Her development is on full display during a team-building day, where elements of Caroline’s work are introduced. One popular activity involves identifying which tasks give or drain energy. This leads to the use of the “power barometer”—a tool to help monitor energy levels.
The day is a resounding success and a testament to Marie’s growth. In contrast, Martin reveals his lack of development, making dismissive remarks about coaching and team building as “not real work.”
Twelve months later, Marie leaves the company for a new role. She exits with high regard and self-awareness. She’s no longer naïve—during a follow-up with Caroline, she reports working under another selfish leader. But this time, she’s better equipped. A reminder that these people are everywhere—and we must prepare accordingly.
Concluding Reflections
This is an excellent book, packed with practical tools I can use in my own consultancy.
I was particularly impressed by Caroline’s ability to take a longitudinal view—helping Marie understand how energy levels and emotional triggers played out over time. It was this perspective that helped Marie confront the situation and grow from it. It also reinforced for me the value of journaling—tracking highs and lows to better understand performance and wellbeing.
The work around values was also powerful—especially the idea of making them non-negotiable.
Understanding how our childhoods shape our professional behaviours was another impactful insight. I spent some time reflecting on how my own family experience still influences how I respond at work. What might a selfish leader see in me? How could they exploit that?
While not explicit in the book, a podcast with the author underscored one final point: when dealing with selfish leaders, secrecy matters. Don’t share your personal life. Don’t reveal what you value most. These details can be used against you—draining your energy and leaving you vulnerable.
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