208 Transition

I’ve been reading Marshall Goldsmith’s What Got You Here Won’t Get You There — a brilliant book about the behaviours that shape a fulfilling life. It’s not an easy read in the sense that it cuts close to the bone. I recognised myself in many of the 20 habits that hold people back: speaking when angry, starting with “no” or “but,” and adding too much value (coaching football being a classic example!).

The Habits That Hold Us Back

Goldsmith argues that what got you to where you are today may not take you to the next stage. For me, listening has always been a project. I take it seriously, treat it as a discipline, and subject it to continuous improvement. That doesn’t mean I always get it right. (Just ask my wife.)

The Power of Saying Sorry

Another theme that resonated deeply was the act of saying sorry. Goldsmith highlights how much hinges on our ability to acknowledge when we are wrong — without excuses, without conditions. It’s one of the most human things we can do. And people can always sense when an apology is insincere.

A Hard Lesson

Years ago, I made what I thought was a clever move. I asked a colleague’s friend a couple of questions, hoping to gain insight into how I might improve my “poor” relationship with that colleague. In reality, it was a remarkably naïve decision. The friend told them, and the already rocky relationship deteriorated further.

The situation escalated quickly and ended in mediation with our big boss. I was asked to apologise. I did — but without truly understanding the hurt I had caused. Our relationship never recovered. And it didn’t recover because my apology wasn’t sincere.

Listening Before Apologising

The lesson was clear. Apologies are only powerful when they are accompanied by a genuine effort to understand the hurt you’ve caused. That can only happen after you’ve listened with intent. Without that, “sorry” is just a word.

Moving Forward

In my working life, I’ve received very few apologies. I’ve given many — and I likely owe more. But I know this: a genuine, well-crafted sorry doesn’t weaken you. It moves you — and those around you — forward.